Sober Curious, but Make It Fancy: The NA Drinks That Won’t Make You Miss Booze (Much)

Here’s the thing about being “sober curious”: It sounds very enlightened and wellness-y in theory. You, your glowing skin, and your superior moral compass, floating above the rest of us degenerates still knee-deep in bottom-shelf tequila. But in reality? It’s mostly staring at a fridge full of sad, sugary “mocktails” that taste like melted Jolly Ranchers and questioning all of your life choices.

That’s the real kicker: The drinks keeping the booze industry afloat are, for the most part, just objectively better than the things marketed as their non-alcoholic alternatives. It’s a scam. A well-dressed, well-aged, oak-barrel-scented scam.

The Problem: Most NA Drinks Are Trash

Sober curiosity is on the rise—stats show about 37% of U.S. adults are actively trying to drink less. But despite the demand, the actual offerings in the non-alcoholic (NA) world can be... bleak. For every sophisticated, well-balanced alternative, there are ten overly sweet, underwhelming attempts at something that might once have shaken hands with a cocktail shaker.

So when I find an NA drink that actually makes me want to reach for a second, rather than quietly opting for water, it’s basically a miracle. And because I’m generous (and tired of watching people grimace their way through bad kombucha), I present to you: the best of the best.

For the ‘I Want Something That Tastes Like Actual Alcohol’ Crowd: Parch

This is the one that made me do a double take. Unlike the usual floral, over-sweetened nonsense, Parch has an actual smoky, complex flavor that tricks your brain into thinking it might actually contain booze. It’s the kind of drink you sip slowly, letting it linger like a good mezcal or whiskey—aka, exactly what you need when you’re trying to keep your hands busy at a party without holding a sad can of LaCroix.

For the Bitter Lovers & Beer Snobs: Best Day Brewing Kölsch

Look, if you love beer for the beer-ness of it all (read: the bitterness, the bite, the crispness—not just the alcohol content), you’ve probably tried a bunch of NA beers and been wildly disappointed. Best Day actually delivers on that classic Kölsch experience: light, a little hoppy, and not remotely reminiscent of carbonated sadness water. Bitter lovers, this one’s for you.

For the ‘But I Really Miss an Aperol Spritz’ Crowd: St. Agrestis Phony Negroni

Aperol people are a special breed. You crave that perfect balance of bitter, citrusy, and herbaceous without feeling like you’re drinking cough syrup. St. Agrestis delivers a Negroni alternative that feels just as grown-up and complex as the real deal. No syrupy aftertaste, no weird artificial notes—just straight-up sophistication in a glass. (Amit loves the Mezcal one).

For the ‘I Need Bubbles or I Will Die’ Drinkers: Gruvi

Some people need fizz to survive. It’s science. If you’re one of them, Gruvi has the answer. It actually tastes like sparkling wine rather than sad grape juice, which is a major win. Perfect for popping open at brunch when you want the aesthetic of a mimosa without the existential dread of drinking champagne before noon.

For the ‘I Want to Feel Extra Fancy’ Crowd: Curious Elixirs

Curious Elixirs is the bougiest of the bunch, and they know it. These are the NA drinks for people who own at least three kinds of artisanal bitters and say things like “notes of cardamom” unironically. They’re pricey, they’re extra, and they taste like something a well-paid mixologist would hand you in a dimly lit speakeasy. If you’re the kind of person who likes your drinks complicated (and wants to pretend you’re starring in your own noir film), these are for you.

Final Verdict: Are We Just Gonna End Up Drinking Water Anyway?

Look, at the end of the day, alcohol alternatives will always have an uphill battle. Booze has the unfair advantage of being, well, booze. But for those of us trying to cut back (without cutting out the experience of sipping something genuinely enjoyable), these are actually worth stocking in your fridge. Will I still end up reaching for water most of the time? Probably. But at least now I have options.